


Reason

by orangefriday



Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-31
Updated: 2011-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:26:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangefriday/pseuds/orangefriday
Summary: What do you do if your best friend dies? (Set in the universe of "What It Was Before")
Relationships: Ian Hecox/Anthony Padilla
Kudos: 1





	Reason

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** If you haven't read "[What It Was Before](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23058406/chapters/55151743)", then it would be best to do that first before reading this. It would make more sense plus this one-shot completely spoils the longer fan fic.

_What do you do if your best friend dies?_  
  
Anthony waits for a reason not to. He waits for his heart to slow and his skin to cool. He’s waiting as every running step pounds into the cement, his heart going in time. And he waits, looking over at Ian, whose determined expression stares straight ahead at the setting sun. And Anthony’s opening his mouth to speak, to say something, to ask something.   
  
Anthony’s been waiting for the longest time for this feeling to pass.  
  
But it never does. It comes at him in waves. It swells his chest and fills it up until he’s drowning, suffocating, bloated with this thing he doesn’t exactly understand. It’s something he hates with his whole being because he loves it, wanting to let it engulf him in its fiery warm arms. But he fears the cold that might smother it clean. Leaving him ashen and black.  
  
Together, as they run side by side, he feels it. The small fire burns his lungs every time Ian would wipe off beads of sweat with a huff of exhaustion; breath coming out hard and far and Anthony can feel it brush past his neck. It adds on to that ‘too much to take’ feeling that erupts in his stomach.  
  
_What do you do as you watch him disappear in front of you? One second there, the next somewhere else?_  
  
When they’re apart, it’s the worst. Anthony could be minding his own business; driving, watching television or holding hands with Makayla and Ian would form in his mind. That’s when all his senses go into overdrive and he feels like he’s in danger. His breath quickens and his heart races against his heaving chest. It’s so overwhelming how afraid and how excited he is. He doesn’t even understand why adrenaline pumps wildly in his veins.  
  
The feeling comes every time he catches Ian’s eye. It explodes inside of him and it takes all his might and will to catch it from falling out of him. It’s bad, he tells himself. This is bad. It’s nothing good.  
  
_Are you supposed to save him? Try to catch him as he flies across the darkening sky? Cry out his name in hope that it would bring him down safely?_  
  
For a while now, Anthony just hopes for a reason not to. Not just any reason, but a reason from Ian. He does it unconsciously; the thoughts floating dangerously close to reality. It invades his mind and traps him for a second, lost within the unthinkable.  
  
Maybe it could happen. Maybe Ian would give him what he wants. Say whatever Anthony thinks he wants Ian to say to him so he can tell Makayla, “No, I’m sorry. We can’t do this anymore.”  
  
And she would ask, “Why not?”  
  
And Anthony could tell her, could give her a reason; _the_ reason.  
  
He’s been waiting for it to come to him, this reason.  
  
_When he hits the lamppost, are you supposed to start running? Try to unsee the blood that spills out of him? There’s a lot of blood. Too much. The tears that quiver your vision do little to take away the red._  
  
Anthony knows he’s not supposed to feel this way. This _thing_ , it’s not real. He says it to himself until he’s sick and the sickness becomes reality. He believes it. He actually believes it.  
  
He believes it so he can go on and still keep Ian close. He’s afraid that if he doesn’t believe, he’ll lose the one person he loves the most.  
  
_How do you know if it’s his body if it doesn’t look like a body anymore? How can you fix this mangled and broken figure that looks as if it was dropped like a piece of trash. He’s not supposed to look this way. He’s not supposed to be like this._  
  
When their eyes meet, there’s always something unspoken between them. He feels it singe the very atmosphere between them. Anthony tells himself he doesn’t know what it is even though his heart sings it to him so clear that he’s deaf with the sound of truth.  
  
He muffles the noise, covers it with Makayla’s touch and her kisses. He takes her dreams and her desires and makes them his own. It wasn’t like that at first. Anthony had liked her, loved her eventually and wanted to be with her. He was caught up in that initial bliss of finding someone who wanted him.  
  
Him, who looks at Ian like he’s _everything._  
  
_How is it possible to bleed so much when his heart has stopped? He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead, you say in your head, as you clasp your hands together and push down his still chest, trying, kneading his heart to life._  
  
He’s angry when Anthony tells him. He pretends he’s not but Anthony sees it; that flash of loss, of anger, of betrayal. It should be something sad, that his best friend doesn’t want him to move on with his life. But it’s _the_ reason, it’s there, and Anthony, having been waiting for this reason, is guilty with hope.  
  
_Have you ever hated anything so much in your life? You do now, screaming until your voice is hoarse for him to come back, don’t die, don’t you dare fucking leave me. The white of the car is blinding in the corner of your eye. If your hands weren’t sickly warm with the blood of your lifeline, you would use your fists to kill._  
  
The reason’s there, angry and forced and almost, almost, almost. He’s said the words Anthony had wanted to hear for the longest time. Anthony is so ready now to know why. He’s so close to the reason. He wants to pull Ian back onto the sidewalk and feel him. Ian’s everything and Anthony knows him like the palm of his hand, the hand holding onto his heart.  
  
But, as Anthony smiles for the first time, Ian’s gone.  
  
And the reason disappears with him.  
  
_You hope you can breathe life into him. You force it into his lungs, lips tasting copper. The blood completely takes over you and it’s all you see. Red, red, red, death._  
  
_What are you supposed to do? You were so close and now, you’ve lost him._  
  
_What do you do?_


End file.
